Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
