you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
her facebook's as public as her vagina
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Randomize
