I think I won the penis lottery.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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