so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
