His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
