just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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