Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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