You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
