I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
