ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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