you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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