He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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