how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
