so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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