I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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