Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
