I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
