I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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