ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
