He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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