they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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