Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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