you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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