Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
