Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Let's paint friendship bongs
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
whose ass print is on the piano?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
