found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
