I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize