Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
