he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Heβs really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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