we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
