Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
