Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
