I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
