My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
