I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
