Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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