I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
