just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm both gender and math confused
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
