my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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