dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
