i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
