Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
