I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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