i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
