So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
