Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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