i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
