I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
