I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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