I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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