I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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