I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
my shit smells like andre
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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