I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
