Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
