so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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