allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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